My New Language

NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION

With a name like this, you may believe this doesn’t pertain to you.  After all, you are not violent, right?  That is what I thought until I read that the seeds of violence are present any time anyone implies that someone or something makes them feel a certain way…

Nonviolent Communication is a form of interpersonal communication inspired by compassion and solidarity.  It helps to improve relations and to act with practical and effective means to promote peace.  It was founded by the psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960’s and is used by a worldwide network of mediators, facilitators and volunteers.

NVC offers practical and concrete skills for manifesting compassionate connections, interdependence and power with, not power over, others. These skills include:

. Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;

.  Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;

.  Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding, respect) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and

. Requesting what we would like in a clear and specific way (rather than saying what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).

Nonviolent Communication or NVC is about developing skills to translate our habitual language of criticism, blame, and demand into a language of human feelings and needs.  Needs/values which sustain and enrich our wellbeing and focus our attention on what actions we could take to meet these needs.

One of my big "Aha!’s" from reading Marshall Rosenberg's groundbreaking book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life; was that people don't get defensive because they are ‘guilty.’ People get defensive when they perceive that they are being attacked.

My own defensiveness was triggered when my daughter turned thirteen.  Teens are known for surly looks and rude remarks.  It is challenging to speak to anyone displaying these behaviors and having it come out of the mouth of your formerly sweet child is even more rattling. My reaction to this behavior was to feel shocked and defensive.  I would think an unflattering thought or two about her “attitude” and resist whatever she said (resistance or a tightness in the body is the very definition of defense for me).  Often times I thought she was being ridiculous, selfish, or mean.  My mind labeled her into an “enemy image” which I wanted to both defend myself against and to change back into the loving child who was in the room with me just minutes before.  My busy brain could no longer see the person in front of me, just the image.   Thanks to Marshall Rosenberg and now the app Peace Process, I can guess at the feelings underneath the drama rather than joining in it.