NONVIOLENT
COMMUNICATION
With
a name like this, you may believe this doesn’t pertain to you. After all, you are not violent,
right? That is what I thought
until I read that the seeds of violence are present any time anyone implies
that someone or something makes them feel a certain way…
Nonviolent Communication is a form of interpersonal
communication inspired by compassion and solidarity. It helps to improve relations and to act with practical and
effective means to promote peace.
It was founded by the psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960’s and
is used by a worldwide network of mediators, facilitators and volunteers.
NVC
offers practical and concrete skills for manifesting compassionate connections,
interdependence and power with, not
power over, others. These skills include:
. Differentiating
observation from evaluation, being able to
carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify
behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;
. Differentiating
feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling
states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;
. Connecting with the universal human
needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust,
understanding, respect) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what
is happening and how we are feeling; and
. Requesting what
we would like in a clear and specific way
(rather than saying what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a
demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame,
obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).
Nonviolent Communication or NVC is about developing skills to translate our habitual language of criticism,
blame, and demand into a language of human feelings and needs. Needs/values which sustain and enrich
our wellbeing and focus our attention on what actions we could take to meet
these needs.
One of my big "Aha!’s" from reading Marshall Rosenberg's
groundbreaking book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life; was that
people don't get defensive because they are ‘guilty.’ People get defensive when
they perceive that they are being attacked.
My own
defensiveness was triggered when my daughter turned thirteen. Teens are
known for surly looks and rude remarks. It is challenging to speak to
anyone displaying these behaviors and having it come out of the mouth of your
formerly sweet child is even more rattling. My reaction to this behavior was to
feel shocked and defensive. I
would think an unflattering thought or two about her “attitude” and resist
whatever she said (resistance or a tightness in the body is the very definition
of defense for me). Often times I
thought she was being ridiculous,
selfish, or mean. My mind labeled
her into an “enemy image” which I wanted to both defend myself against and to
change back into the loving child who was in the room with me just minutes
before. My busy brain could no
longer see the person in front of me,
just the image. Thanks to
Marshall Rosenberg and now the app Peace Process, I can guess at the feelings
underneath the drama rather than joining in it.
